A couple of weeks ago I got a surprise BFP. Well, obviously it wasn’t totally surprising as we are still trying to conceive, but every cycle I get my hopes up only to have them dashed so didn’t think this would be any different. Nevertheless, something in my head told me to test, so I did and the beautiful words “Pregnant 1-2” came up.
I was a few days away from when AF was due but I started the progesterone pessaries and aspirin straight away, and called my Consultant’s office first thing on the Monday morning. He was on holiday, as was his secretary, but a couple of phone calls later and explaining my situation regarding not only miscarriage but the ectopic I got an appointment for the 21st August. Although the thought of waiting 2 weeks to see my Consultant and get a proper action plan in place was worrying, I also knew it would be the perfect time for a scan. Before that date there would be very little chance of seeing anything, and certainly not a heartbeat.
On the day AF was due I tested again, and two lovely strong lines came up. I felt reassured. I had some pregnancy symptoms, but as always that fear of another loss crept in so I kept pushing it to the back of my mind.
Some days later, I woke up and just had a bad feeling. I promised myself I wouldn’t test again, but caved. Again, the word I hoped for came up, but I still wasn’t convinced. The next day I tested again and got the faintest of lines, the next test was negative. I couldn’t believe it, but at the same time I knew. I stopped the progesterone and aspirin, and waited for nature to take it’s course again.
Some of the online advice I received was not to stop the meds until I was absolutely certain, but I didn’t need a doctor to tell me what my body already was. I knew in my head and heart it was over, my pregnancy symptoms had stopped abruptly, and I had the same cramps I’ve experienced with my previous 4 miscarriages. A couple of days later the bleeding started – my sixth loss, but fifth miscarriage.
I’ve tried to find the positives in this loss. I know I can still get pregnant with only one tube. Also, I was told at the time of my ectopic that they anticipated a pregnancy within 18 months, well this was within 8 months of the surgery, or 4 months from when we started trying again.
Where do we go from here though? I don’t know. Before this pregnancy/loss, Mr R and I had spoken at length about adoption, and in fact we have our adoption information evening tonight. Will we press forward with this now, I don’t know. I feel positive that we can fall pregnant again, but can I put myself through potentially a seventh loss, I don’t know. We still have our Consultant appointment on Wednesday, and we should hopefully get the results of all our blood tests then, so I guess we’ll leave the decision making until after that.