We recently received an invitation to a friend’s 40th birthday party next month, and as soon as I saw the date it rang a bell with me but I couldn’t think why. I’m not saying I’d forgotten what the date was, but I guess I’d pushed it from my mind as a way of protecting myself. It was only when discussing the party with another friend that it hit me, the date of the party is our estimated due date from our last pregnancy. Except there’ll be no baby as we lost him/her a few short weeks into the pregnancy. Our fourth pregnancy with nothing to show for it but heartache.
Now all the memories of that awful time, and the times before, are back. The look on the Sonographer’s face, the silence that filled the room, the hurt in Mr R’s eyes, realising that the uncontrollable sobbing I could hear was coming from myself… Then came the pain and bleeding, and feeling like you’ll never get over this loss. But like anyone who has lost someone, no matter what stage of life they were, will tell you, you learn to cope. You just have to because life goes on and people soon get fed up of you being miserable. It’s a harsh reality of loss, again no matter what stage of life it happened.
So, you only cry and discuss your feelings at home. You bury your hurt as deep as possible until you’re in a place that you can’t be hurt anymore. To the outside world you’re the happy, chilled out person you’ve always been… Except you’re not really, something will always bring those memories and feelings back, in this case a party invitation.
I’d like to think that eventually the miscarriages, hurt and fear will be far behind us, and we’ll be blessed with a family, but they’ll always be a part of our memories and something that’s shaped our lives for good or bad.