Today is our Godson’s first birthday, and the day before what would have been our due date. I spent most of this morning filled with apprehension of what his birthday party would be like surrounded by babies and people who all have children. Mr R says it does no good to dwell on what would have been, and I know this, but it’s hard to forget about something so important to me. I’m not suggesting it’s unimportant to my husband but he deals with things differently to me.
I shed a few tears on the journey there but managed to compose myself before we went into the house, my best friend hugged me and asked how I was, I mumbled ok, and she hugged me tighter then handed me a large glass of wine! Thankfully only her parents, sister, brother-in-law and 1 year old niece were there when we arrived so we weren’t faced with a room full of babies straight away. Chatting to my friend’s sister and playing with her little girl my fears about the day started to slip away, then in walked some friends we’d not seen for a while, the wife is 7 months pregnant. I said hello but was rooted to my seat, it was my protection, if I sit here then I won’t be able to see her with her huge baby bump. Eventually I moved and went and had a chat with our pregnant friend, and it was fine, as I knew it would be. In fact the whole afternoon was fine, even if I couldn’t join in the conversation at times, and was hugely aware of the fact we were the only childless couple there. I think in part, my ability to survive the afternoon was down to the type of people our friends are. Nothing needed to be said, just a look or a hug that acknowledged they appreciated our prescence and understood today would bring many thoughts to the fore for us. I think we just need to get past tomorrow then we can move forward, without meaning it to be, it’s almost like a big rain cloud hanging over our heads.