Here we are again, CD1 and onto Clomid cycle number 5. Yet again I’m gutted that AF has arrived, and it feels like we’ve lost another month in this journey. When is it going to be our turn?!
Probably not the best idea given the fragility of my emotions this evening, but I’m sitting here looking at a friend’s photos on Facebook, thinking to myself how lucky she is to have had 2 straightforward pregnancies without worry or fear and 2 healthy children, and also how lucky she conceived quickly. We’ll never know that. Obviously we hope and pray that we’ll soon know the pleasure of having our own family, but we’ll never have a pregnancy without worry or fear no matter how straightforward it is. For every happy moment we have once we get pregnant will be followed by a moment of worry.
Now people say don’t worry, don’t get yourself stressed out, it won’t do you any good getting worked up over what may or may not be… but how is that possible when all we’ve got to compare it to is 4 failed pregnancies after years of trying. If I was writing this after the first miscarriage I might think a little differently, after all my GP told me 1 in 4 miscarry and he assured me there was no reason why I’d miscarry again. I’m not saying having just one miscarriage makes things easier, far from it. I can still remember vividly everything about the day it started and my heart aches to think about it, but at that stage you have no reason to doubt that you are anything but that statistic of 1 in 4. There’s no reason why you can’t carry your next baby to term. Yes you worry like crazy and can’t wait to get past the point where you miscarried, but you still have hope that it’ll be alright.
Then it happens again, and again, and again. All hope is now battered and bruised and only makes a fleeting appearance. It’s now easier to believe things will go wrong, yes you’re happy deep down but you won’t allow it to surface just in case… You protect yourself by not thinking ahead, and if you do and you start dreaming and planning you chastise yourself, why should this time be any different to the other times?
Having said all that, I would have given anything to have got a BFP today instead of AF. To be sitting here dreaming, and worrying, about the weeks and months ahead… rather than feeling that we’re running out of time and bitter that everyone is having babies but me. I guess everything happens for a reason and we just aren’t meant to have a March baby, so April it is!