“An infertile person, animal or plant cannot reproduce”
I’ve been writing and re-writing this blog post for the best part of two weeks now but just can’t seem to find the words for what I want to say. However, this week is National Infertility Awareness week so I guess it’s kind of fitting that I post this now. Maybe I’ll come back to it in time and add more to it…
In my more naive days I believed infertile to mean one or other partner, or perhaps both, were incapable of conceiving a child naturally, or even with medical assistance. I now know the term “infertile” encompasses more than that. However, I have to say it doesn’t sit comfortably with me in my feelings of our own situation – “unexplained infertility”.
Mr R and I have had tests which show we’re both hunky dory in the sperm vs egg department, and I definitely ovulate without assistance – yes I’m now on Clomid but to help shorten my cycles not make me ovulate. We’ve fallen pregnant twice without any drugs, the fact it took us 5 years to get there and that those pregnancies didn’t work out is now by the by. In my mind, and I’m sure in Mr R’s mind, we’re not infertile. We’re a youngish couple that, for whatever reason, the time wasn’t right for our baby before.
4 lost pregnancies – 2 pregnancies without medical intervention, 2 pregnancies with, but why does that make me infertile? I CAN conceive, my body, for whatever reason, just decides to reject the pregnancies. To label me, or indeed us, infertile makes me feel like there’s no hope for us and that we’ll be forced to carry that label through life. “Look there goes that couple, so sad, they’re infertile you know, no children or grandchildren”…. Ok, that’s probably highly unlikely to happen but during those down days, that’s how I see it, and I guess to a degree it makes me feel ashamed and a failure, afterall having children is supposed to be one of the most natural things in life. I know I have no need to feel that way but that’s just how it is. Then when the probing from well meaning acquaintences starts I wish I could just stand up and say “you know what, my husband and I are in the unexplained infertility category, might be lucky enough to have kids naturally, might not be, might need IVF, might not”… I don’t know who would squirm more, me or them but I’m sure it would shut them up!!
**sigh** I’m infertile, maybe accepting that is the first step towards a healthy pregnancy…. I can hope.