Today started off well but the more the day’s progressed and the more I’m aware of my lack of symptoms, the more my pma is dropping. It’s days like this when I wonder if it’s all worth it.
I take Clomid, folic acid and EPO, Mr R is taking Maca and multi-vitamins including Zinc. I live my life in cycle days. I have a CBFM which, although I’m not currently using for ovulation, I use to tell me what day I’m on. I have digi OPKs as well as normal ones so I can test twice a day to tell me when to expect ovulation. I have an iPhone app to track my cycles. I have a ticker on my Baby Centre profile again to tell me what cycle day I’m on. I’m constantly analysing every twinge my body has, and never before have I been so interested in my cervical mucus. I’ve switched to drinking Redbush tea because it’s naturally caffeine free and caffeine is bad for TTC. I religiously include foods in my diet that I would have maybe passed over before or just not eaten so much of. Next month I’ll be eating 2 kiwi fruit a day, I don’t know why, just that I heard they were good when TTC. I’ve banned oral sex during my fertile time because I read somewhere that saliva was bad for sperm, and foreplay is interrupted to ensure a healthy spray of Zestica (sperm friendly lube) is applied. After making love Mr R shoves a pillow under my bottom and I hold my legs in the air for at least 15 minutes, how far removed from our pre trying to conceive days. I bought a book to tell me how to get pregnant! I’ve spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on all the above paraphernalia and I’m sitting here wondering if it’s worth it, afterall we don’t have our baby yet.
Believe me, I know I’m currently wallowing in a bath full of self pity, but right now it’s a warm albeit slightly uncomfortable place to be. I know there are many people out there who are experiencing far worse than we are; we are lucky to have jobs, family, friends, a house we own (well we will do in 16 years) and everything else we should be grateful for in our lives. Just right now, none of that matters to me, all I want is a family of my own, to love and care for, to guide and teach, to tearily wave to them as they go into school for the first time, to watch grow, to make memories with, to worry about when they go off to university, to welcome back home when they’re done studying, to wish them luck on their first day at work, to be introduced to the love of their life, to watch them get married and someday give their Dad and I grandchildren. Surely that’s not too much to ask?
Mothers’ Day is coming up next month, it should be my first with our baby who should be a couple of weeks old by now. Instead all I can hope for is that we’ll be expecting by then; and of course I’ll avoid Facebook for the day so I don’t have to see all the Mum’s gushing about what their children got them. That seems selfish because I know if I was a Mum I’d be doing the same thing, but I’m not, and when you’re not and it’s the only thing you want, being reminded that you’re not hurts, a lot.
I know we have our action plan with a view to an IVF referral in May if the Clomid’s not successful, but that’s just not soon enough for me. I know I won’t give up on our dream of becoming parents but right now it’s hard for me to visualise being in this situation another few months and then having to start the, possibly long, IVF road. I just wish someone could say to me “your next pregnancy WILL be healthy and viable and you WILL have a healthy baby on this date”.
Tomorrow’s another day and hopefully the pma will be back on track.