I’ve just received a text from one of my BFF to say that a close friend of hers, who I’m also friends with, is 5 months pregnant. This isn’t surprising news given we’re all of the age where we are having first, second, third children. What is surprising is that this particular friend is pregnant. For as long as I can remember it’s not been a part of her plan, and as her husband is quite a bit older, we all (wrongly) assumed they’d have had kids years ago if they’d wanted them. Maybe they didn’t particularly want children but the recent spate of pregnancies and births in our wider circle of friends spurred them on, or perhaps they’d been trying for years but they never shared their anguish of being childless for so long…
I’m happy for them, just as I’m happy for anyone with such happy news, but as ever it’s news that knocks me to the core. Generally I’m a happy person, calm, not affected by others actions or moods, but I can guarantee with every pregnancy announcement comes a black cloud over my head. The need to shut myself away and cry until I can cry no more, to scream “when will it be our turn??” With every pregnancy announcement my positivity runs away and is replaced with a fear that we will never have children of our own.
As I said, I’m happy for them, I’m happy for all my family and friends that have children but still I question when it will be our turn. How is it fair that we’ve had to wait so long and endure such hurt to get something others get in a heartbeat? Mr R always says we all have our cross to bear and this is ours, but I don’t want it. I’m done with it.
Tomorrow is another day and my mood will once again be restored to normal, my positivity will return. The plans in my head will keep being planned just waiting for that moment to be put into effect. Then will come the next pregnancy announcement, followed by that black cloud….